A Piece of My Heart is Gone Forever

    The last blog post I wrote, was on October 19, 2019, and it was about the same thing I am writing about now. Only I thought I was hurting then, now I am truly heartbroken. It was a letter to "addiction" but really it was to Jack, whom I loved dearly, but simply (for my mental health) could not be around anymore. Now I find myself thinking of TONS of things that I want to tell him, and simply cannot ever again. This is just a short version of the story!

   None of what I have to say is out of any disrespect to him, the truth is that I did love him! I did everything that I knew how to show him how much I loved him and to help "save" him. I hated the person he turned into when he was taking pills (and eventually God knows what else). He and I had a somewhat tumultuous relationship, dating twice over three years. Deep down he was an amazing person, and that’s why I held on for so long, I knew the real Jack was in there somewhere! When Jack and I were together, I poured a lot of myself into him, not to change him, but save him from himself and all the demons he seemed to be fighting daily. If you know anything about me, you know that I always give things 110%. Because I gave so much, I do feel like a tiny piece of me died with him. No matter how much I loved him and wanted to stay, I knew that for me to be the best version of myself, I needed to walk away.

   After we broke up the first time, we didn't talk for quite some time, except for one random day when picked him up and made him go to the doctor, because he was so depressed that he wouldn't even get out of the bed. The only reason I even knew anything about him being depressed was actually from his family. I expected him to be mad at me for that, but he was sort of thankful! When I dropped him off that day I would not see or hear from him again for many MONTHS! 

   When he got back in touch with me by then it was already September. I immediately told him that I would be there for him if he needed me and I was happy for us to always be friends, but that I COULD NOT and WOULD NOT be in a relationship with him again. If it was up to just my heart, I would have gone back to him in a "heartbeat", but my head knew that I needed to keep my distance from him. At first, we only were hanging out now and then. That eventually turned into us seeing each other pretty much every day. I still insisted that we were going to just be friends, mostly because I didn't want to get hurt again. We fell into our old routines and by December I was staying with him 24/7 and we were back together. It was just like it was the first time. At first, things were good, but as time would pass, he would have spells of getting angry and at times he would "disappear" and I would just carry on with my life as usual and act like there was nothing wrong. He never could hold down a consistent job therefore he never really had a steady income and what he did bring in for odd jobs would be gone before he would make it home with it. He didn't have a car so between the two of us we had to share my car. I would find little but legitimate jobs that he could do to make some money, but he never made any effort to keep a steady income. He would borrow my car "to run to the store for a minute" and end up being gone for hours at the time. I knew in my heart he was doing some type of drugs but he never really did anything around me and I guess that was how I was able to "ignore" it for so long.

  There were so many times that I completely ignored the destructive behavior he exhibited daily. I told everyone including myself that we were just friends, if we were "just friends" then what he was doing was on him, not me. The truth is that I loved him and it hurt me every time he did stupid stuff. I look back and see many many times that I should have just walked away and didn't. Like the time I had to bail him out of jail after sitting in court with him all day, only to never make it in front of the judge because he got arrested in the hallway of the courthouse. Or the times he would disappear for hours with my car and my debit card and no way for me to contact him or to know if he was ok. We fought about this stuff all the time, it hurt my heart so much, but I always stuck around. He was NEVER physically abusive to me but I saw behavior many times that scared me. He would get so angry and I knew it was because he was on something. He got super paranoid at times and would tell me crazy stuff like there was a UFO following him home from the woods. One night really late he realized that he had lost his wallet. He "retraced his steps" back to a friend of a friend's house (God only knows what he was doing there) and at 3 am had me go with him to this random guy's house to look for his wallet. I was scared, but I also didn't want him going alone and something happens to him. When the wallet was nowhere to be found and we ended up back at his house, the next thing I know I'm being accused of stealing it. We argued because I couldn't believe he had the nerve to even think something like that much less says it! Why would I ride to a stranger's house in the middle of the night and risk us getting hurt and/or killed if I am the one that took his wallet? It was turmoil with him like this CONSTANTLY.  

  I told myself that this was not who he was, that he was the good guy that I saw in the beginning and, that it was what he was taking that was making him do and say these things, and I stayed and stayed, and I was doing nothing, but enabling all his destructive behavior.  

  One weekend he just up and decided he was "riding with a friend" to New York, with no other explanation. No info....no why, now how long, no nothing. I still to this day have no clue what that trip was about and never will. He called me Sunday afternoon and told me he was on his way home and it would be late. I waited up to see him even though I had to be up for work in the morning. It was storming and pouring rain and once again I had no way to get up with him to make sure he was ok. Around 11 pm he finally came home and was already fussing at me for something I didn't do for him that he thought I should have. We both yelled and he walked away to go to the bathroom. It was at that moment that I decided I couldn't stay there with him any longer. I put all my stuff in a bag and left while he was still in the bathroom. It was midnight and still storming like crazy outside and I walked out the door and went home. I NEVER looked back after that night. We talked a few times and it always turned ugly and I decided we shouldn't even talk to each other anymore if it was going to be like that every time.

  In July of 2020, I was on the phone with his mom (because as I previously stated, I had become close with his family). One minute I was having a conversation with her and the next minute Jack was on the other end of the line and for a minute I was caught off guard. We talked for a few minutes. He of course had to throw in a few of his usual smart-ass comments, because what would a conversation with Jack be without a few of those, right? The last words that I ever heard come out of his mouth came next! He proceeded to tell me that he was so proud of me. He was proud of me for the new house and proud of me for the progress that I had made on losing weight. He said I had told him That I would do it and I DID! We talked about a few other things and he mentioned us meeting for lunch. I told him we would do that, but in all honesty, I never had plans to meet him, because I couldn't get my heart or feelings involved again.  

  Some of you will read this and not understand how after all that, how could I possibly be so heartbroken that he is gone..... Let me explain it the best way I know how...I LOST SOMEONE THAT I TRIED TO SAVE AND IT HURTS THAT I WASN'T ABLE TO TRULY SAVE HIM. No one will ever fully understand what he and I had or what I put into it, but I hope by reading this you have an idea. 

I had all intentions of the previous paragraph being the end of this post, but while I was finishing up, I was also watching A Million Little Things, this is a clip from the episode, I swear that Jack sends me little messages all the time...I can't make this stuff up!