Open letter to “addiction”

Me writing this to “you” is probably more for me than it is for you. At this point, I don’t even know if you will ever read it. Most of my friends and family hated that I was with you, some even quit having much to do with me, because of me sticking around so long. Maybe this will give them insight into my “why”.
Although I’ve had my heart broken many times, I always try to live for the moment, not for the past. I might give more chances to people than they deserve, but that’s just who I am, I see the good in people even when they can’t see it in themselves.

You came into my life when I wasn’t looking, and we were both hurt. We both needed something, but neither of us knew what that something was. We had the best time, laughing and joking and making each other smile. The first time I met you we sat in the living room talking and laughing most of the night. One of our very first dates was even to Chuck E Cheese, “where a kid can be a kid”. Things were so good between us.

We could sit and talk for hours about meaningful things, or we could sit and watch Netflix together for hours and not say a word. Either worked just fine for us. You never pressured me to have sex or do anything I didn’t feel comfortable doing, you showed me complete respect in that way. You had turned into one of those guys that acted like a teenager in a newfound relationship, holding hands, kissing, and sitting close to each other on the couch, which anyone who knows you, knows is nothing like you.

You knew I was a “no BS” Kind of girl. I’d tell you when you were being an ass, when your jokes weren’t funny, or when you did something that made me laugh. You respected me for calling you out like that. I remember you telling one of your friends that you never knew what to expect and I liked it that way, I could keep you on your toes. I met your family very early into our friendship, which wasn’t something I had planned for, but I loved them! I remember the day I met them me and you were sitting at the picnic table in the back yard, and you told me “I was the coolest girl you knew” Your sister cooked tacos and we all sat around the table and ate and talked and laughed, it was like I had known them for years. I am still friends with them today, I consider them family. You told me many times that “you had never met someone like me, someone that treated everyone so kindly no matter who they were, someone that was always there no matter what.” I remember every time you told me that I would pray that was the way everyone saw me!

We did everything together: went to concerts, went to the movie, went to the beach, birthday parties, and cookouts with friends. I loved seeing you play with kids. You told me many times about how much you wanted a baby and we even talked about having one together sometimes. You would even randomly ask me if I liked certain baby names. I knew you had some changes to make before you were ready for a baby, but it was so sweet to see you light up when you talked about it.

You would tell me all about your daddy. I was sad that I never got to meet him, but I could listen to you talk about him and see him through your eyes. I know losing him was hard on you and I knew talking about him was a way for you to be close to him still. I often wondered would he have liked me?

You never really hid things from me about your past. I knew you had problems with addiction before, but you seemed to be doing good. Maybe you were, or maybe I was just naïve, maybe deep down I knew, but didn’t want to believe it. I wish that you could have seen yourself through my eyes. Once you had gotten so down and so depressed and it seemed that nothing would make you go get help, I didn’t waste one minute, I went to where you were and knocked on the door. I told you that I was not leaving until you got in my car and let me take me to the doctor to get help. I expected you to be angry and fight me all the way, but you didn’t. You told me no one time and then you got up and got dressed and got in my car. On the way, I talked to you like it was just any other day. I wasn’t there to scold you or fuss at you I just wanted you to take care of yourself and feel better. You were a little mad, but on the ride home, you thanked me, which is something you never did, the only other time that I can ever remember you thanking me was the day I had to bail you out of jail.

In my heart of hearts, I don’t think you ever meant to hurt me. You have it in you to be a good person and have a good heart. No matter how many things you did that should have made me walk away or should have made me mad, I could never stay mad at you; I loved you! When I give some, I give all. And I gave you everything one person can give. Many times, more than I gave to myself. Even though it was hard for me, one year ago, I decided to walk away from you. No matter how much I loved you I had to love myself too. I had nothing left to pour into you. I think, in fact I know, that it hurt you when I walked away because I believe you never thought I would, but I didn’t know what else to do. My heart breaks every time I see you fall. I will never want anything less than the best for you, but I needed to want the best for me too! The entire time I have known you I have always been there to “rescue” you, as hard as it is not to “rescue” you this time I just can’t, which in retrospect could be me rescuing you. I pray you get the help that you need! I don’t regret one second of it, God has a purpose for every single person he puts in my life. I only wish it could have ended differently. I want you to know I don’t hate you, I’m not mad at you, and I hope you can find a way to get the help that you need and a way to heal, this is mine!

I may sometimes fall too but I will ALWAYS get back up and be stronger than before.